PRIVATE PARTS

MY PRIVATE PART DIED


An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

"Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Wallace.

"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
She replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
Hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said,
"You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace.
"I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that,
But why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

(You've gotta love this .)

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."


IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU

old jokes revisit~

While Pope Benedict's luggage was loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices
the Pope was still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that

I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "
Cop: " No Sir."
Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

SARDAR JOKES

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India ..

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '

NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's
And shyly walked up to The woman behind the counter and said,

'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

'What type of bra?' Asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
'Look around,' Said the saleslady, As she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color And material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'

Relieved, the man asked About the types.

The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, The Salvation Army, The Presbyterian, And the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, The man asked about The differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. ....

The Catholic type Supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.'

送上冷笑话几则，请笑纳

冷笑话1

從前....有兩個年糕，一直都黏在一起．．．
直到有一天，他們終於分開了！！！！
兩個年糕感到非常高興，然後他們就和對方互相GIVE ME 5．．．
不幸的他們倆又黏了回去．．．．．


冷笑话2

有一天，你走在路上，突然一隻母狗撲向你．．．
從你腳上咬了一塊肉並迅速吞下去．．．
當你正要伸腳踢它的時候．．．
母狗眼含淚光的向你說：'你打吧．．．反正我肚里已經有了你的骨肉！！！'


冷笑话3
有一个五岁男孩亲了四岁女孩的脸
四岁女孩就问那五岁男孩他会负责吗
五岁男孩就回答她说:放心吧 我们已经不是三岁小孩了


冷笑话4
小明說：「阿康，問你「有一隻鯊魚吃下了一顆綠豆,結果它變成了什麼「？」
阿康說：「我不知道，答案是什麼？」
小明說：「嘿！嘿！答案是「綠豆沙(綠豆鯊)「，你很笨喔！」


冷笑话5
美國人︰你看過木頭做的杯子嗎？
中國人︰沒有！
美國人︰那為什麼你們中國字的「杯「是木字旁？
中國人︰「杯「字旁邊不是有個「不「字嗎！也就是說它不是木頭做的。


冷笑话6
某女校鬧鬼。

有天被小紅遇上了。

鬼說：學妹。。。你看。。。我沒有腳。。。我沒有腳。。。

小紅：那有什麼。學姐你看，我沒有胸部，我沒有胸部。


冷笑话7
一塊三分熟的牛排和一塊5分熟的牛排在大街上遇到了,為什麼他們沒打招呼呢 ??(假設他們會說話)

因為....................

因為.........................

因為他們都不熟啊~~!哈哈

妈妈学英文

妈妈学英文 （一）

有一天，我正在看VCD，老妈棒了一本书进来。

老妈：这个 "i don't know." 是什么意思 ?
我说：我不知道.
老妈：送你去大学读了几年，你怎么什么都不知道 ？
我说：不是 ！ 就是"我不知道"嘛 ！
老妈：还嘴硬 ！
说完老妈给了我一巴掌。

妈妈学英文 （二）

老妈：那 "i know." 是什么意思你应该知道吧 ！
我说：是 "我知道".
老妈：知道就快说.
我说：就是 "我知道".
老妈：你皮痒是不是 ?
我说：就是 "我知道"呀！
老妈：知道你还不说？ 不懂不要装懂！
老妈又给了我一巴掌。

妈妈学英文 （三）

老妈：再问你最后一个，你给我翻译一下 "i know but i don't want to tell you." 是什么意思？
我说：... ... ... ... ... ...我拿起枕头往自己的头上猛K三十几下，再用那个头撞墙三十多下，再用脚踢桌角三十多下，再用双手轮流掌嘴三十多下，血肉模糊之时，我问老妈：这下你满意了吧？！

人们常说：学习是痛苦的历程。
不过我不明白，为什么受伤的总是我。
我妈学英文的热情日益高涨，因而我的苦难就日益加深。

今天，她又来问我了。

老妈：儿子啊..! "i'm very annoyance,don't trouble me."是什么意思啊？
我说：我很烦，别烦我。
老妈：欠揍！跟你妈这么说话。
于是，我又挨了一巴掌。

妈妈学英文 一续二

老妈又问："i hear nothing,repeat"是什么意思呢？
我说：我没听清楚，再说一次。
老妈又说了一遍：i hear nothing,repeat.
我说：我没听清楚，再说一次。
我：噢~猛？

妈妈学英文 一续三

老妈再问："what do you say?"又是什么意思？
我说：你说什么？
老妈作势要打我，【算了，问另外一句。】

老妈：look up in the dictionary.是什么意思呢？
我说：查字典
老妈：叫我查字典？那我干嘛问你？！
这次我挨了两巴掌。

妈妈学英文 一续四

老妈又问："you had better ask somebody." 怎么翻呢？
我说：你最好问别人。
老妈：你是我的儿子，我问别人干嘛？你又在皮痒了。
我说：啊！god save me！
老妈：敢耍你老妈？上帝也救不了你！
老妈又给了我一巴掌。

妈妈学英文 一续五

老妈：我再问你。"Use your head ,then think it over."又是什么意思呢？
我说：动动你的脑子，再仔细想想。
老妈：死仔，还敢耍我？　接着又要动手。
我连忙说：是世上只有妈妈好的意思
老妈：嗯，这还差不多！等下我做好吃的给你，下次再问你。

Thoughts to Ponder~

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.

Money isn't everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

The young teaches the old

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Occupation~

lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced few husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married few times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #2 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #3 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #4 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #5 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

And am still Virgin & I glad that I finally married to you !

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! ? Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

Interesting Truth About Singapore

1. Nite - Sleep with air-con; Day - Bathe with heater on

2. Day - Cannot Wake up; Nite - Cannot Sleep

3. Cigarettes - Convenient to buy; not convenient to smoke

4. Chewing Gum - Can Chew, Cannot buy?? (Restricted to buying)

5. Smell Of rubbish besides letterboxes; Rubbish inside Letterbox

6. Private Cars - Cheaper & Cheaper to Buy,harder & harder to
Maintain

7. Education - Teachers teaching Less but expects students to learn
More

8. High-tech barbaric Singaporeans - know how to use state-of-the art
equipment, but dunno how to use a simple dustbin or a toilet

9. There are quite a number of rich/poor in spore - They have Car,
Credit Card, CPF .... but no Cash and lots of loans

10. Translation is needed between Singaporean Chinese and Mainland
Chinese

11. Sporean never like to vote, but like to complain

12. Half Sporeans! rushed to buy Hello kitty, but the other half busy
killing stray cats

13. Public Bus - Half the Crowd squeeze in front section of the Bus,
Second section is for Carrying Ghost

Divorced Barbie

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, 'How much is that new Barbie in the window?'


The Manager replied, 'Which one? We have
' Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00'


'Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.

The store manager replied: 'Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings.'

World's Greatest Gambler~

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

人生是什麼 ?

只用了44個字,就把人生講完了...
所以人與人,有啥好計較的咧?
快樂好相處比較重要啦！

1 歲 時 出場亮相
10 歲 時 功課至上
20 歲 時 春心盪漾
30 歲 時 職場對抗
40 歲 時 身材發胖
50 歲 時 打打麻將
60 歲 時 老當益壯
70 歲 時 常常健忘
80 歲 時 搖搖晃晃
90 歲 時 迷失方向
100 歲 時 掛在牆上

祝大家愉快，好好做人!

人啊，都不講實話：

說股票是毒品，都在玩；
說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；

說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；

說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!

當今社會，窮吃肉，富吃蝦，領導幹部吃王八；
男想高，女想瘦，狗穿衣裳人露肉；

過去把第一次留給丈夫；
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。

鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；

舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。

人啊！

沒錢的時候，養豬；
有錢的時候，養狗。

沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；
有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。

沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；
有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。

沒錢的時候想結婚；
有錢的時候想離婚。

沒錢的時候老婆兼秘書；
有錢的時候秘書兼老婆。

沒錢的時候假裝有錢；
有錢的時候假裝沒錢。

About Marriage...

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell for her.

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a woman can take a joke.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie

How to properly place new employees

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

I. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for
more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that
they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.

How to do business with two cows - Interntional Business skills

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called ' Cowkimon ' and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don ' t know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them and hope to have more cows.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk.
They go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. The two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu