To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13 . Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Spielberg
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies,
he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says
"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
Steven ___berg???
The astonished Chinese man replied
"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says
"You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
As he was a great fan of his movies,
he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says
"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
Steven ___berg???
The astonished Chinese man replied
"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says
"You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
Q&A
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it
doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito
enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy friend's hand.
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan
removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it
doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito
enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy friend's hand.
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan
removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
household appliances
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and
replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son
replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
the washing machine, Fridge
the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and
replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son
replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
the washing machine, Fridge
the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Out-Run~
2 Hikers were hiking in a forest when suddenly a big brown bear appeared infront of them
As the bear started to walk slowly towards them looking at them fiercely in the eyes
The first Hiker started to drop his bag, remove his boots and change to his sports shoes
The second Hiker puzzled, turn around and look at him and say "What are you doing, you can't possibly outrun a bear ?"
The first Hiker replied "I know, I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you !"
As the bear started to walk slowly towards them looking at them fiercely in the eyes
The first Hiker started to drop his bag, remove his boots and change to his sports shoes
The second Hiker puzzled, turn around and look at him and say "What are you doing, you can't possibly outrun a bear ?"
The first Hiker replied "I know, I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you !"
~~LAZY HUSBAND~~
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
'Sayang, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.' He looks at her and says angrily,
'Fix the light? Now?
Does it look like I have a Philips logo printed on my forehead? I
don't think so.'
'Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.'
To which he replied, 'Fix the fridge door?
Does it look like I have Mitsubishi written on my forehead? I don't think so.'
'Fine,' she says, 'Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.'
'I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,' he says.
'Does it look like I have Ikea written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going out for a drink!!!'
So he goes to the neighbourhood kopitiam and stays there for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to
go home and help out..
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed..
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a drink, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
'Sayang, how'd all these get fixed?'
She said, 'Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either to bake him a cake or have sex with him.'
The husband asked, 'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?'
She replied, 'Hellooooo... Do you see Bengawan Solo written on my forehead?
'Sayang, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.' He looks at her and says angrily,
'Fix the light? Now?
Does it look like I have a Philips logo printed on my forehead? I
don't think so.'
'Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.'
To which he replied, 'Fix the fridge door?
Does it look like I have Mitsubishi written on my forehead? I don't think so.'
'Fine,' she says, 'Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.'
'I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,' he says.
'Does it look like I have Ikea written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going out for a drink!!!'
So he goes to the neighbourhood kopitiam and stays there for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to
go home and help out..
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed..
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a drink, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
'Sayang, how'd all these get fixed?'
She said, 'Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either to bake him a cake or have sex with him.'
The husband asked, 'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?'
She replied, 'Hellooooo... Do you see Bengawan Solo written on my forehead?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Cancel your credit card before you die. It is recommended~
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Cit*bank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Cit*bank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Cit*bank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Cit*bank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Cit*bank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Cit*bank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Cit*bank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Cit*bank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax:
Cit*bank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Cit*bank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Cit*bank : 'That might help...'
Family Member : ' Odessa MemorialCemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Cit*bank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'
Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet??? '
Cit*bank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Cit*bank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Cit*bank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Cit*bank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Cit*bank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Cit*bank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Cit*bank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Cit*bank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax:
Cit*bank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Cit*bank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Cit*bank : 'That might help...'
Family Member : ' Odessa MemorialCemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Cit*bank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'
Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet??? '
Friday, February 20, 2009
Escaped Prisoner
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.
This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.
This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
~FBI Dog~
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI.
"Well," says the personal director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements.
First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.
"This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual.
"With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
"Well," says the personal director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements.
First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.
"This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual.
"With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
Phone Bill
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.
Kids are just kids
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained,
"they say it has to have at least four characters.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained,
"they say it has to have at least four characters.
-Perfect Gentlemen-
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
-indian soccer team-
let start my blog with some old joke around~
Qn: why the indian soccer team never win the world cup???
Ans: B'coz whenever they get a corner, they will set-up a "mama" stall. :Þ
Qn: why the indian soccer team never win the world cup???
Ans: B'coz whenever they get a corner, they will set-up a "mama" stall. :Þ
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