NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Description of a spare part!
Yesterday I was having some work done at the workshop. A woman came in and asked for a 'seven-hundred- ten'.
We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred- ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is..........
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The mechanic fainted!!
We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred- ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is..........
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The mechanic fainted!!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Dating With Different Type of Girls
Chineses Meimei
First date
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Again, Nothing Happens!
Third date
You usually don't get up to third date because you are smart enough to realize that
nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN MINACHI
First date
Meet her parents.
Second date
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date
Wedding night.
MALAY MINAH
First date
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third Date
She moves in.
One week later, her father, , her 4 mother, her 18 sisters, her 20 brothers, all of their kids, her 16 grandmas, her father's girlfriend's mother, her 268 cousins all move in.
But don't worry you can repeat this 4 times. ;-)
WHITE MARY
First Date
You both get drunk and have sex.
Second Date
You both get drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary
You both get drunk and have sex.
ARAB AL-KATIJAH
First Date
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.
Second Date
You are shot dead.
Third date
Not Applicable
First date
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Again, Nothing Happens!
Third date
You usually don't get up to third date because you are smart enough to realize that
nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN MINACHI
First date
Meet her parents.
Second date
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date
Wedding night.
MALAY MINAH
First date
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third Date
She moves in.
One week later, her father, , her 4 mother, her 18 sisters, her 20 brothers, all of their kids, her 16 grandmas, her father's girlfriend's mother, her 268 cousins all move in.
But don't worry you can repeat this 4 times. ;-)
WHITE MARY
First Date
You both get drunk and have sex.
Second Date
You both get drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary
You both get drunk and have sex.
ARAB AL-KATIJAH
First Date
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.
Second Date
You are shot dead.
Third date
Not Applicable
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
好吃就好
一向苛薄、愛挑剔的李大嬸速食店裡點了炸雞吃，是當服務生送來炸雞時，李大嬸就向
她抱怨說：「你們這店怎麼這麼差勁，你看這兩隻雞腿長短不一樣，一隻腿長，一隻腿
短！」服務生聽了大嬸的抱怨後，有點無奈，但卻客氣的問他：「這位太太，請問您是
來吃雞腿的，還是來和雞跳舞的？」
平分秋色
有一天老師在發考卷。大家都考得不太好。
老師念道：「李建國40分...陳浩35分...」
小華跟坐隔壁的小明說：「我好像考零分耶...」
小明：「我也是耶.......」
小華：「那...老師會不會以為… 我們互相作弊啊？」
也是想像畫
美術課時，美術老師要學生畫幅想像畫。不久之後，一位生交出了一張空白的圖畫紙。
老師問：「你畫的是什麼？」
學生答：「牛吃草。」
老師問：「草呢？」
學生答：「被牛吃完了。」
老師問：「牛呢？」
學生答：「牛吃完草就走了！」
自我介紹
班上來了一個轉學生，師請她自我介紹。
她先對大家鞠了個躬，然後開始說：「我未必會是最聰明的」「我未必會是最美麗的」
「我未必會是最優秀的...」
正當大家都稱讚她的謙虛時，她突然說：「大家好，我的名字叫做…『魏碧蕙』！」
一向苛薄、愛挑剔的李大嬸速食店裡點了炸雞吃，是當服務生送來炸雞時，李大嬸就向
她抱怨說：「你們這店怎麼這麼差勁，你看這兩隻雞腿長短不一樣，一隻腿長，一隻腿
短！」服務生聽了大嬸的抱怨後，有點無奈，但卻客氣的問他：「這位太太，請問您是
來吃雞腿的，還是來和雞跳舞的？」
平分秋色
有一天老師在發考卷。大家都考得不太好。
老師念道：「李建國40分...陳浩35分...」
小華跟坐隔壁的小明說：「我好像考零分耶...」
小明：「我也是耶.......」
小華：「那...老師會不會以為… 我們互相作弊啊？」
也是想像畫
美術課時，美術老師要學生畫幅想像畫。不久之後，一位生交出了一張空白的圖畫紙。
老師問：「你畫的是什麼？」
學生答：「牛吃草。」
老師問：「草呢？」
學生答：「被牛吃完了。」
老師問：「牛呢？」
學生答：「牛吃完草就走了！」
自我介紹
班上來了一個轉學生，師請她自我介紹。
她先對大家鞠了個躬，然後開始說：「我未必會是最聰明的」「我未必會是最美麗的」
「我未必會是最優秀的...」
正當大家都稱讚她的謙虛時，她突然說：「大家好，我的名字叫做…『魏碧蕙』！」
Friday, May 8, 2009
懲罰
老師規定凡是上課講話的，要到教室後面罰站，
並且把說話的內容大聲說十次。
有一天上課，小真和鄰座的同學咬耳朵，被老師發現。
老師生氣的說：
「小真，到後面罰站！把你剛剛說的話再大聲說十次。」
小真低著頭走到教室後頭，開始喃喃的低聲說著。
老師又罵：「大聲一點！讓全班都聽得到！」
小真就大聲的喊：
「老師的拉鍊沒拉、老師的拉鍊沒拉…」
售後服務
跳傘運動員問體育用品店員：「這個降落傘肯定可靠吧？」
「當然可靠啦！先生。但如果它張不開，歡迎隨時拿回來換。」
幫你想辦法
深夜，醫院急診室的電話鈴聲響起....
「醫生，我孩子剛剛吞下了一支鋼筆，請趕緊派救護車來！」
「別慌！告訴我你們的地址…，救護車一小時之後就會到。」
「一小時？那這段時間我們應該怎麼處理呀！」
「先用原子筆吧！」
有點偷懶
爸爸:小明，過幾天就要考試了，我先考考你...用"敬佩"造個句子吧!!!
小明:我不知道敬佩是什麼意思。
爸爸:那麼"遙遠"呢?
小明:我不知道遙遠是什麼意思。
爸爸:那麼"計較"呢?
小明:我不知道計較是什麼意思。
爸爸:怎麼搞的...每一個都不會！
小明:怎麼不會?我不是每個詞都給造了一個句子嗎?
老師規定凡是上課講話的，要到教室後面罰站，
並且把說話的內容大聲說十次。
有一天上課，小真和鄰座的同學咬耳朵，被老師發現。
老師生氣的說：
「小真，到後面罰站！把你剛剛說的話再大聲說十次。」
小真低著頭走到教室後頭，開始喃喃的低聲說著。
老師又罵：「大聲一點！讓全班都聽得到！」
小真就大聲的喊：
「老師的拉鍊沒拉、老師的拉鍊沒拉…」
售後服務
跳傘運動員問體育用品店員：「這個降落傘肯定可靠吧？」
「當然可靠啦！先生。但如果它張不開，歡迎隨時拿回來換。」
幫你想辦法
深夜，醫院急診室的電話鈴聲響起....
「醫生，我孩子剛剛吞下了一支鋼筆，請趕緊派救護車來！」
「別慌！告訴我你們的地址…，救護車一小時之後就會到。」
「一小時？那這段時間我們應該怎麼處理呀！」
「先用原子筆吧！」
有點偷懶
爸爸:小明，過幾天就要考試了，我先考考你...用"敬佩"造個句子吧!!!
小明:我不知道敬佩是什麼意思。
爸爸:那麼"遙遠"呢?
小明:我不知道遙遠是什麼意思。
爸爸:那麼"計較"呢?
小明:我不知道計較是什麼意思。
爸爸:怎麼搞的...每一個都不會！
小明:怎麼不會?我不是每個詞都給造了一個句子嗎?
Thursday, May 7, 2009
自行負責
上數學課時，小明同學趴在教室最角落的位子睡覺。後來，老師發現了，就生氣地說：「旁邊的同學，把睡覺的那位同學叫起來！」語畢，不知道是哪個活得不耐煩的同學答道：「是你自己把他弄睡著的，你自己去把他叫醒吧......」
錯誤解釋
阿強總是喜歡在課堂上睡覺。一天，老師再也忍耐不住，把昏睡中的阿強叫醒，並問他：「龜兔賽跑中，你知道兔子為什麼會輸嗎？」。「不知道！」，阿強睡眼惺忪地回答。「因為兔子在打瞌睡！」老師生氣的說。「喔！我明白了！」阿強若有所悟......「原來沒打瞌睡的全是烏龜啊！」
讓座
某日，在擁擠的捷運車廂上，一個站著的懷孕婦人走進車廂...。阿婆對身旁坐著的一位男子說：「你不知道那位太太懷孕了嗎？」阿婆的意思是希望這位男子可以讓座給孕婦，沒想到這位男子卻很緊張的說：「孩子不是我的！」
知女莫若父
任性刁蠻的春枝姐總算要嫁人了，準女婿拜見未來的岳父岳母時，岳父大人看著這個瘦弱的男生，語重心長的說︰「結婚以後，你一定要...」女婿馬上接口說︰「我知道啦，結婚以後我一定會好好照顧春枝的！」岳父搖搖頭說︰「不是啦，我的意思是說，結婚以後啊......你一定要...一定要...一定要好好照顧你自己！」
搞錯對象
一位婦人抱著剛出生不久的寶寶到婦產科看病。醫生問：「這孩子是吃母乳還是牛奶？」婦人：「吃母乳！」醫生：「那請你把衣服上方三個釦子解開。」婦人：「啊！要幹嘛？」醫生：「請不用緊張，這裡是婦產科，絕不會有什麼無禮的冒犯的。」
婦人半信半疑的解開了上衣釦子。醫生用他的手在婦人的胸部進行觸診，然後對這婦人說：「難怪孩子有點營養不良，妳根本就沒有母乳嘛！」婦人：「廢話！我當然沒有母乳！我是他阿姨啦！」
上數學課時，小明同學趴在教室最角落的位子睡覺。後來，老師發現了，就生氣地說：「旁邊的同學，把睡覺的那位同學叫起來！」語畢，不知道是哪個活得不耐煩的同學答道：「是你自己把他弄睡著的，你自己去把他叫醒吧......」
錯誤解釋
阿強總是喜歡在課堂上睡覺。一天，老師再也忍耐不住，把昏睡中的阿強叫醒，並問他：「龜兔賽跑中，你知道兔子為什麼會輸嗎？」。「不知道！」，阿強睡眼惺忪地回答。「因為兔子在打瞌睡！」老師生氣的說。「喔！我明白了！」阿強若有所悟......「原來沒打瞌睡的全是烏龜啊！」
讓座
某日，在擁擠的捷運車廂上，一個站著的懷孕婦人走進車廂...。阿婆對身旁坐著的一位男子說：「你不知道那位太太懷孕了嗎？」阿婆的意思是希望這位男子可以讓座給孕婦，沒想到這位男子卻很緊張的說：「孩子不是我的！」
知女莫若父
任性刁蠻的春枝姐總算要嫁人了，準女婿拜見未來的岳父岳母時，岳父大人看著這個瘦弱的男生，語重心長的說︰「結婚以後，你一定要...」女婿馬上接口說︰「我知道啦，結婚以後我一定會好好照顧春枝的！」岳父搖搖頭說︰「不是啦，我的意思是說，結婚以後啊......你一定要...一定要...一定要好好照顧你自己！」
搞錯對象
一位婦人抱著剛出生不久的寶寶到婦產科看病。醫生問：「這孩子是吃母乳還是牛奶？」婦人：「吃母乳！」醫生：「那請你把衣服上方三個釦子解開。」婦人：「啊！要幹嘛？」醫生：「請不用緊張，這裡是婦產科，絕不會有什麼無禮的冒犯的。」
婦人半信半疑的解開了上衣釦子。醫生用他的手在婦人的胸部進行觸診，然後對這婦人說：「難怪孩子有點營養不良，妳根本就沒有母乳嘛！」婦人：「廢話！我當然沒有母乳！我是他阿姨啦！」
Monday, April 6, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
PRIVATE PARTS
MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
"Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Wallace.
"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
She replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
Hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said,
"You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace.
"I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that,
But why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
(You've gotta love this .)
"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."
IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
"Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Wallace.
"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
She replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
Hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said,
"You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace.
"I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that,
But why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
(You've gotta love this .)
"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."
IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU
Thursday, March 26, 2009
old jokes revisit~
While Pope Benedict's luggage was loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices
the Pope was still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that
I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "
Cop: " No Sir."
Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
the Pope was still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that
I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "
Cop: " No Sir."
Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
SARDAR JOKES
Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India ..
2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.
Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.
Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '
NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's
And shyly walked up to The woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
'What type of bra?' Asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
'Look around,' Said the saleslady, As she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color And material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked About the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, The Salvation Army, The Presbyterian, And the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, The man asked about The differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. ....
The Catholic type Supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.'
And shyly walked up to The woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
'What type of bra?' Asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
'Look around,' Said the saleslady, As she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color And material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked About the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, The Salvation Army, The Presbyterian, And the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, The man asked about The differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. ....
The Catholic type Supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.'
Monday, March 23, 2009
送上冷笑话几则，请笑纳
冷笑话1
從前....有兩個年糕，一直都黏在一起．．．
直到有一天，他們終於分開了！！！！
兩個年糕感到非常高興，然後他們就和對方互相GIVE ME 5．．．
不幸的他們倆又黏了回去．．．．．
冷笑话2
有一天，你走在路上，突然一隻母狗撲向你．．．
從你腳上咬了一塊肉並迅速吞下去．．．
當你正要伸腳踢它的時候．．．
母狗眼含淚光的向你說：'你打吧．．．反正我肚里已經有了你的骨肉！！！'
冷笑话3
有一个五岁男孩亲了四岁女孩的脸
四岁女孩就问那五岁男孩他会负责吗
五岁男孩就回答她说:放心吧 我们已经不是三岁小孩了
冷笑话4
小明說：「阿康，問你「有一隻鯊魚吃下了一顆綠豆,結果它變成了什麼「？」
阿康說：「我不知道，答案是什麼？」
小明說：「嘿！嘿！答案是「綠豆沙(綠豆鯊)「，你很笨喔！」
冷笑话5
美國人︰你看過木頭做的杯子嗎？
中國人︰沒有！
美國人︰那為什麼你們中國字的「杯「是木字旁？
中國人︰「杯「字旁邊不是有個「不「字嗎！也就是說它不是木頭做的。
冷笑话6
某女校鬧鬼。
有天被小紅遇上了。
鬼說：學妹。。。你看。。。我沒有腳。。。我沒有腳。。。
小紅：那有什麼。學姐你看，我沒有胸部，我沒有胸部。
冷笑话7
一塊三分熟的牛排和一塊5分熟的牛排在大街上遇到了,為什麼他們沒打招呼呢 ??(假設他們會說話)
因為....................
因為.........................
因為他們都不熟啊~~!哈哈
從前....有兩個年糕，一直都黏在一起．．．
直到有一天，他們終於分開了！！！！
兩個年糕感到非常高興，然後他們就和對方互相GIVE ME 5．．．
不幸的他們倆又黏了回去．．．．．
冷笑话2
有一天，你走在路上，突然一隻母狗撲向你．．．
從你腳上咬了一塊肉並迅速吞下去．．．
當你正要伸腳踢它的時候．．．
母狗眼含淚光的向你說：'你打吧．．．反正我肚里已經有了你的骨肉！！！'
冷笑话3
有一个五岁男孩亲了四岁女孩的脸
四岁女孩就问那五岁男孩他会负责吗
五岁男孩就回答她说:放心吧 我们已经不是三岁小孩了
冷笑话4
小明說：「阿康，問你「有一隻鯊魚吃下了一顆綠豆,結果它變成了什麼「？」
阿康說：「我不知道，答案是什麼？」
小明說：「嘿！嘿！答案是「綠豆沙(綠豆鯊)「，你很笨喔！」
冷笑话5
美國人︰你看過木頭做的杯子嗎？
中國人︰沒有！
美國人︰那為什麼你們中國字的「杯「是木字旁？
中國人︰「杯「字旁邊不是有個「不「字嗎！也就是說它不是木頭做的。
冷笑话6
某女校鬧鬼。
有天被小紅遇上了。
鬼說：學妹。。。你看。。。我沒有腳。。。我沒有腳。。。
小紅：那有什麼。學姐你看，我沒有胸部，我沒有胸部。
冷笑话7
一塊三分熟的牛排和一塊5分熟的牛排在大街上遇到了,為什麼他們沒打招呼呢 ??(假設他們會說話)
因為....................
因為.........................
因為他們都不熟啊~~!哈哈
Thursday, March 19, 2009
妈妈学英文
妈妈学英文 （一）
有一天，我正在看VCD，老妈棒了一本书进来。
老妈：这个 "i don't know." 是什么意思 ?
我说：我不知道.
老妈：送你去大学读了几年，你怎么什么都不知道 ？
我说：不是 ！ 就是"我不知道"嘛 ！
老妈：还嘴硬 ！
说完老妈给了我一巴掌。
妈妈学英文 （二）
老妈：那 "i know." 是什么意思你应该知道吧 ！
我说：是 "我知道".
老妈：知道就快说.
我说：就是 "我知道".
老妈：你皮痒是不是 ?
我说：就是 "我知道"呀！
老妈：知道你还不说？ 不懂不要装懂！
老妈又给了我一巴掌。
妈妈学英文 （三）
老妈：再问你最后一个，你给我翻译一下 "i know but i don't want to tell you." 是什么意思？
我说：... ... ... ... ... ...我拿起枕头往自己的头上猛K三十几下，再用那个头撞墙三十多下，再用脚踢桌角三十多下，再用双手轮流掌嘴三十多下，血肉模糊之时，我问老妈：这下你满意了吧？！
人们常说：学习是痛苦的历程。
不过我不明白，为什么受伤的总是我。
我妈学英文的热情日益高涨，因而我的苦难就日益加深。
今天，她又来问我了。
老妈：儿子啊..! "i'm very annoyance,don't trouble me."是什么意思啊？
我说：我很烦，别烦我。
老妈：欠揍！跟你妈这么说话。
于是，我又挨了一巴掌。
妈妈学英文 一续二
老妈又问："i hear nothing,repeat"是什么意思呢？
我说：我没听清楚，再说一次。
老妈又说了一遍：i hear nothing,repeat.
我说：我没听清楚，再说一次。
我：噢~猛？
妈妈学英文 一续三
老妈再问："what do you say?"又是什么意思？
我说：你说什么？
老妈作势要打我，【算了，问另外一句。】
老妈：look up in the dictionary.是什么意思呢？
我说：查字典
老妈：叫我查字典？那我干嘛问你？！
这次我挨了两巴掌。
妈妈学英文 一续四
老妈又问："you had better ask somebody." 怎么翻呢？
我说：你最好问别人。
老妈：你是我的儿子，我问别人干嘛？你又在皮痒了。
我说：啊！god save me！
老妈：敢耍你老妈？上帝也救不了你！
老妈又给了我一巴掌。
妈妈学英文 一续五
老妈：我再问你。"Use your head ,then think it over."又是什么意思呢？
我说：动动你的脑子，再仔细想想。
老妈：死仔，还敢耍我？ 接着又要动手。
我连忙说：是世上只有妈妈好的意思
老妈：嗯，这还差不多！等下我做好吃的给你，下次再问你。
有一天，我正在看VCD，老妈棒了一本书进来。
老妈：这个 "i don't know." 是什么意思 ?
我说：我不知道.
老妈：送你去大学读了几年，你怎么什么都不知道 ？
我说：不是 ！ 就是"我不知道"嘛 ！
老妈：还嘴硬 ！
说完老妈给了我一巴掌。
妈妈学英文 （二）
老妈：那 "i know." 是什么意思你应该知道吧 ！
我说：是 "我知道".
老妈：知道就快说.
我说：就是 "我知道".
老妈：你皮痒是不是 ?
我说：就是 "我知道"呀！
老妈：知道你还不说？ 不懂不要装懂！
老妈又给了我一巴掌。
妈妈学英文 （三）
老妈：再问你最后一个，你给我翻译一下 "i know but i don't want to tell you." 是什么意思？
我说：... ... ... ... ... ...我拿起枕头往自己的头上猛K三十几下，再用那个头撞墙三十多下，再用脚踢桌角三十多下，再用双手轮流掌嘴三十多下，血肉模糊之时，我问老妈：这下你满意了吧？！
人们常说：学习是痛苦的历程。
不过我不明白，为什么受伤的总是我。
我妈学英文的热情日益高涨，因而我的苦难就日益加深。
今天，她又来问我了。
老妈：儿子啊..! "i'm very annoyance,don't trouble me."是什么意思啊？
我说：我很烦，别烦我。
老妈：欠揍！跟你妈这么说话。
于是，我又挨了一巴掌。
妈妈学英文 一续二
老妈又问："i hear nothing,repeat"是什么意思呢？
我说：我没听清楚，再说一次。
老妈又说了一遍：i hear nothing,repeat.
我说：我没听清楚，再说一次。
我：噢~猛？
妈妈学英文 一续三
老妈再问："what do you say?"又是什么意思？
我说：你说什么？
老妈作势要打我，【算了，问另外一句。】
老妈：look up in the dictionary.是什么意思呢？
我说：查字典
老妈：叫我查字典？那我干嘛问你？！
这次我挨了两巴掌。
妈妈学英文 一续四
老妈又问："you had better ask somebody." 怎么翻呢？
我说：你最好问别人。
老妈：你是我的儿子，我问别人干嘛？你又在皮痒了。
我说：啊！god save me！
老妈：敢耍你老妈？上帝也救不了你！
老妈又给了我一巴掌。
妈妈学英文 一续五
老妈：我再问你。"Use your head ,then think it over."又是什么意思呢？
我说：动动你的脑子，再仔细想想。
老妈：死仔，还敢耍我？ 接着又要动手。
我连忙说：是世上只有妈妈好的意思
老妈：嗯，这还差不多！等下我做好吃的给你，下次再问你。
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Thoughts to Ponder~
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
Money isn't everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
Money isn't everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Monday, March 16, 2009
The young teaches the old
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday, March 13, 2009
Occupation~
lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced few husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married few times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #2 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #3 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #4 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #5 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
And am still Virgin & I glad that I finally married to you !
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married few times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #2 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #3 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #4 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #5 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
And am still Virgin & I glad that I finally married to you !
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! ? Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! ? Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Interesting Truth About Singapore
1. Nite - Sleep with air-con; Day - Bathe with heater on
2. Day - Cannot Wake up; Nite - Cannot Sleep
3. Cigarettes - Convenient to buy; not convenient to smoke
4. Chewing Gum - Can Chew, Cannot buy?? (Restricted to buying)
5. Smell Of rubbish besides letterboxes; Rubbish inside Letterbox
6. Private Cars - Cheaper & Cheaper to Buy,harder & harder to
Maintain
7. Education - Teachers teaching Less but expects students to learn
More
8. High-tech barbaric Singaporeans - know how to use state-of-the art
equipment, but dunno how to use a simple dustbin or a toilet
9. There are quite a number of rich/poor in spore - They have Car,
Credit Card, CPF .... but no Cash and lots of loans
10. Translation is needed between Singaporean Chinese and Mainland
Chinese
11. Sporean never like to vote, but like to complain
12. Half Sporeans! rushed to buy Hello kitty, but the other half busy
killing stray cats
13. Public Bus - Half the Crowd squeeze in front section of the Bus,
Second section is for Carrying Ghost
2. Day - Cannot Wake up; Nite - Cannot Sleep
3. Cigarettes - Convenient to buy; not convenient to smoke
4. Chewing Gum - Can Chew, Cannot buy?? (Restricted to buying)
5. Smell Of rubbish besides letterboxes; Rubbish inside Letterbox
6. Private Cars - Cheaper & Cheaper to Buy,harder & harder to
Maintain
7. Education - Teachers teaching Less but expects students to learn
More
8. High-tech barbaric Singaporeans - know how to use state-of-the art
equipment, but dunno how to use a simple dustbin or a toilet
9. There are quite a number of rich/poor in spore - They have Car,
Credit Card, CPF .... but no Cash and lots of loans
10. Translation is needed between Singaporean Chinese and Mainland
Chinese
11. Sporean never like to vote, but like to complain
12. Half Sporeans! rushed to buy Hello kitty, but the other half busy
killing stray cats
13. Public Bus - Half the Crowd squeeze in front section of the Bus,
Second section is for Carrying Ghost
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Divorced Barbie
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, 'How much is that new Barbie in the window?'
The Manager replied, 'Which one? We have
' Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00'
'Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied: 'Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings.'
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, 'How much is that new Barbie in the window?'
The Manager replied, 'Which one? We have
' Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00'
'Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied: 'Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings.'
Monday, March 9, 2009
World's Greatest Gambler~
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
Sunday, March 8, 2009
人生是什麼 ?
只用了44個字,就把人生講完了...
所以人與人,有啥好計較的咧?
快樂好相處比較重要啦！
1 歲 時 出場亮相
10 歲 時 功課至上
20 歲 時 春心盪漾
30 歲 時 職場對抗
40 歲 時 身材發胖
50 歲 時 打打麻將
60 歲 時 老當益壯
70 歲 時 常常健忘
80 歲 時 搖搖晃晃
90 歲 時 迷失方向
100 歲 時 掛在牆上
祝大家愉快，好好做人!
所以人與人,有啥好計較的咧?
快樂好相處比較重要啦！
1 歲 時 出場亮相
10 歲 時 功課至上
20 歲 時 春心盪漾
30 歲 時 職場對抗
40 歲 時 身材發胖
50 歲 時 打打麻將
60 歲 時 老當益壯
70 歲 時 常常健忘
80 歲 時 搖搖晃晃
90 歲 時 迷失方向
100 歲 時 掛在牆上
祝大家愉快，好好做人!
Friday, March 6, 2009
人啊，都不講實話：
說股票是毒品，都在玩；
說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
當今社會，窮吃肉，富吃蝦，領導幹部吃王八；
男想高，女想瘦，狗穿衣裳人露肉；
過去把第一次留給丈夫；
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。
鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；
舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
當今社會，窮吃肉，富吃蝦，領導幹部吃王八；
男想高，女想瘦，狗穿衣裳人露肉；
過去把第一次留給丈夫；
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。
鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；
舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
Thursday, March 5, 2009
人啊！
沒錢的時候，養豬；
有錢的時候，養狗。
沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；
有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；
有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
沒錢的時候想結婚；
有錢的時候想離婚。
沒錢的時候老婆兼秘書；
有錢的時候秘書兼老婆。
沒錢的時候假裝有錢；
有錢的時候假裝沒錢。
有錢的時候，養狗。
沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；
有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；
有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
沒錢的時候想結婚；
有錢的時候想離婚。
沒錢的時候老婆兼秘書；
有錢的時候秘書兼老婆。
沒錢的時候假裝有錢；
有錢的時候假裝沒錢。
About Marriage...
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell for her.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a woman can take a joke.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell for her.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a woman can take a joke.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
How to properly place new employees
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
I. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for
more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that
they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
I. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for
more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that
they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.
Monday, March 2, 2009
How to do business with two cows - Interntional Business skills
TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called ' Cowkimon ' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don ' t know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them and hope to have more cows.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk.
They go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. The two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called ' Cowkimon ' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don ' t know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them and hope to have more cows.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk.
They go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. The two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu
Friday, February 27, 2009
Healthy Insanity
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13 . Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13 . Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Spielberg
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies,
he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says
"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
Steven ___berg???
The astonished Chinese man replied
"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says
"You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
As he was a great fan of his movies,
he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says
"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
Steven ___berg???
The astonished Chinese man replied
"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says
"You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
Q&A
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it
doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito
enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy friend's hand.
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan
removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it
doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito
enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy friend's hand.
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan
removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
household appliances
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and
replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son
replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
the washing machine, Fridge
the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and
replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son
replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
the washing machine, Fridge
the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Out-Run~
2 Hikers were hiking in a forest when suddenly a big brown bear appeared infront of them
As the bear started to walk slowly towards them looking at them fiercely in the eyes
The first Hiker started to drop his bag, remove his boots and change to his sports shoes
The second Hiker puzzled, turn around and look at him and say "What are you doing, you can't possibly outrun a bear ?"
The first Hiker replied "I know, I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you !"
As the bear started to walk slowly towards them looking at them fiercely in the eyes
The first Hiker started to drop his bag, remove his boots and change to his sports shoes
The second Hiker puzzled, turn around and look at him and say "What are you doing, you can't possibly outrun a bear ?"
The first Hiker replied "I know, I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you !"
~~LAZY HUSBAND~~
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
'Sayang, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.' He looks at her and says angrily,
'Fix the light? Now?
Does it look like I have a Philips logo printed on my forehead? I
don't think so.'
'Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.'
To which he replied, 'Fix the fridge door?
Does it look like I have Mitsubishi written on my forehead? I don't think so.'
'Fine,' she says, 'Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.'
'I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,' he says.
'Does it look like I have Ikea written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going out for a drink!!!'
So he goes to the neighbourhood kopitiam and stays there for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to
go home and help out..
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed..
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a drink, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
'Sayang, how'd all these get fixed?'
She said, 'Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either to bake him a cake or have sex with him.'
The husband asked, 'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?'
She replied, 'Hellooooo... Do you see Bengawan Solo written on my forehead?
'Sayang, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.' He looks at her and says angrily,
'Fix the light? Now?
Does it look like I have a Philips logo printed on my forehead? I
don't think so.'
'Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.'
To which he replied, 'Fix the fridge door?
Does it look like I have Mitsubishi written on my forehead? I don't think so.'
'Fine,' she says, 'Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.'
'I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,' he says.
'Does it look like I have Ikea written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going out for a drink!!!'
So he goes to the neighbourhood kopitiam and stays there for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to
go home and help out..
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed..
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a drink, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
'Sayang, how'd all these get fixed?'
She said, 'Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either to bake him a cake or have sex with him.'
The husband asked, 'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?'
She replied, 'Hellooooo... Do you see Bengawan Solo written on my forehead?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Cancel your credit card before you die. It is recommended~
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Cit*bank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Cit*bank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Cit*bank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Cit*bank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Cit*bank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Cit*bank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Cit*bank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Cit*bank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax:
Cit*bank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Cit*bank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Cit*bank : 'That might help...'
Family Member : ' Odessa MemorialCemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Cit*bank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'
Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet??? '
Cit*bank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Cit*bank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Cit*bank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Cit*bank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Cit*bank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Cit*bank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Cit*bank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Cit*bank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax:
Cit*bank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Cit*bank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Cit*bank : 'That might help...'
Family Member : ' Odessa MemorialCemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Cit*bank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'
Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet??? '
Friday, February 20, 2009
Escaped Prisoner
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.
This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.
This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
~FBI Dog~
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI.
"Well," says the personal director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements.
First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.
"This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual.
"With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
"Well," says the personal director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements.
First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.
"This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual.
"With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
Phone Bill
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.
Kids are just kids
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained,
"they say it has to have at least four characters.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained,
"they say it has to have at least four characters.
-Perfect Gentlemen-
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
-indian soccer team-
let start my blog with some old joke around~
Qn: why the indian soccer team never win the world cup???
Ans: B'coz whenever they get a corner, they will set-up a "mama" stall. :Þ
Qn: why the indian soccer team never win the world cup???
Ans: B'coz whenever they get a corner, they will set-up a "mama" stall. :Þ
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